Sunday, July 24, 2011

Breaking Patterns

It is a rainy Sunday morning here in Chi-town...which is probably a good thing because I have much I would like to do and if the sun were shining then this blog probably wouldn't have happened. But....the Universe is paying attention and the constant winks and nudges it has been sending me can no longer be ignored. So, today, I begin....again.
Begin what you ask? Well, another leg of life's tour....a new turn on the more do-over with the hope that this time I finally get it right.
I inherited a very special gene from my father....I like to call it the "self-sabotage" gene. It is the constant nagging voice in my head that stays quietly tucked away the first few weeks of a new endeavor and then like a jack-in-the-box that has finally been wound too tight, the voice pops up out of nowhere and stops me dead in my tracks. Every new art project, every shift in career choices, every hope that I will finally find my niche; halted.
I have been living like this for as long as I can remember. Trapped in my own head with what feels like permanent shackles chained to my ankles and preventing me from moving forward. This 'gift' my father gave me has been a great source of anguish and frustration in my house. I have this amazing husband who sees all these wonderful things in me. Each new idea I bring to him, each piece of art I create, or sentences I write, he applauds and I know he secretly hopes that THIS time I will finally follow through....that this time I will have the confidence to share finish it.
In his heart though, he knows that it is only a matter of time before I come up with an excuse for why IT won't work. Whatever my "IT" of the month is, he can almost bet on the fact that I will find a way to sabotage it. Don't get me wrong, I really don't want to be this person. I don't want to be the sort of woman who takes two steps forward and three steps back my whole life. But frankly, that is exactly who I am.
I don't sit and wallow....if you didn't know me as well as hubby does, you would actually think I am quite functional. because on the outside, I am a good wife, a good step-mom, a good person...I am funny when I need to be, supportive unconditionally, and certainly not a sad soul to be around. But on the inside, where it matters the most, I have just been stuck for a very long time and I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I think I have spent a lot of my life trying to find my place. I search and search for people like me who are creative, yet terrified to share their creativity. Ithink to myself that if I ever found them, then we could form some sort of a club and hide out under the moonlight together...But all I can find is myriad of talented people who just put their "IT" out there and hope for the best. I want to be like them. I want to not be afraid of what people will think. I want to wake up every morning excited about what is to come instead of secretly finding ways to hide. But for as long as I can remember, hiding is what I do best. Hiding my art, hiding my words, hiding who I really am.
I don't feel like hiding anymore.
Inspiration Pie is the manifestation of the world I have been creating for myself in my own head. It is the whole menagerie of ideas, snap shots, projects, lightening bolts and anything else that comes to mind. It is me, finally stepping out from behind the curtain and letting a little sunlight hit my face. Maybe today Inspiration Pie will be about a painting....and tomorrow it will be the rings I created.....perhaps by Wednesday it will be a whole new project. I never know what is lurking in this constantly spinning mind of mine. I only know that all this time I have been pushing away any chance I have for authentic happiness because I find ways to rip it away from myself. I have always had so much that I want to share with the world, and yet, I silence myself constantly. I don't want to sit in silence anymore. I want to climb to the top of a mountain and give myself permission to be heard. So, I created Inspiration Pie...again...and my hope is this time I will find the courage to silence the voices of self-sabotage and make "IT" all work.
There is so much to enjoy. So much to celebrate, and be inspired by....and I notice all of it, I drink it in like a cold glass of lemonade on the hottest day...and then I neatly fold it up, tuck it into a box and hide it...I find reasons not to share it, not to embrace it. But today, at least in this moment, I can't stand the thought of keeping all of this creativity and thought bound up in my own brain for another second. I feel the sand plinking through life's hourglass one little fleck at a time and I just can't imagine choosing, actually choosing to waste another minute.
Here's hoping beyond hope that this time I will allow myself to slice off my own piece of life's inspiration pie and finally take a really big bite out of it!

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